greelin:

greelin:

no i don’t have plans later. i will, however, be taking extensive poison damage periodically for the foreseeable future. but beyond that my schedule is totally open

if you hear me going “haugh.” or perhaps “augh” every so often and see me doubling over. well. Don’t even worry about it.

gaytanic-panic:

cryptotheism:

Can you stop applying status effects to me for two fucking seconds I’m trying to get divorced.

underrated kanye bars

todaysbird:

pigcatapult:

todaysbird:

unclefather:

he took a bath 3 times

his name is Organic Spinach

the cleanest frog in Michigan

if i had some kind of deal as a kid where a frog was at the bottom of bags of spinach i would have easily eaten five times as much spinach

welovethesedogs:

th3_s3nsitiv3_snack3r: just burst into tears after learning my preferred brand of onion dip would no longer be sold (╥ _ ╥)… but later felt true, human joy when i tasted the newest flavor sour of gummy bears (,,> ᴗ <,,) just another day in the life of me, the sensitive snacker

souvlakigf:

After sex you see me roll over and go to balcony. You think ive gone for smoke due to my melancholic nature but I’ve opened sudoku.com evil level

girlsjustwant2havefun:

Meeeeeeeeeeee printing strawberries at night

sampangea:

dykegonzo:

jvlianbashir:

*opens my photo app to look at pictures of my cat at work like a ww1 soldier flipping open his locket to look at a picture of his sweetheart back home*

mostly-funnytwittertweets:

onlinebeast:

Mechanic: So I’m thinking this’ll take a whole week at the shop to fix, honestly

My Guinea Pig Soul: A wheek?! Wheek wheek wheek wheek wheek wheek wheek!!!!!

My Orangutan Mind: Calm down, he merely said a week, meaning 7 days time…

Mechanic: So did you get all that or

Me: Hang on, hang on, my guinea pig and orangutan haven’t finished yet.

manathistle:

powerbottombrucespringsteen:

Underrated in the “tweets with nearly daily usefulness” pantheon IMO

slimetony:

In the club taking pictures of my own feet with the flash on until they kick me out

borkwolfs-reblog-page:

memeclassheroes:

redstonedust:

i think. you sent this to the wrong person. but im enamoured with your energy. you can have my metaphorical husband you deserve her